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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Why is everyone so interested in my husband's plums?

This is what greeted me when I arrived home after work today…

As a precautionary exercise, unbeknownst to me, Scotto had been rushed to hospital today with chest pain. Apparently there were cool sirens and everything! 

He’s had a bad cough and bronchitis for the last two weeks so during the process of being laid out on a stretcher and loaded into the ambulance he managed to maintain a moderate sense of calm knowing it was probably related to that and not a heart attack.

There were no hysterical screams of,

“AM I DYING! ANSWER ME DAMMIT! PLEASE SAY I’M NOT DYING!” whilst feverishly clutching the collars of the paramedics… which is what Pinky would have done.

He was so chilled out during the whole experience he didn’t even bother to have anyone call me.

Perhaps it was because of the last time he went to hospital after suffering agonising abdominal pain for a week and I’d told him it was probably just wind and to go for a walk around the river.

I remember him lying on the hospital bed waiting to be diagnosed while I sat beside him, bored sh#tless, thinking he was making a bit of a fuss about nothing.

At last a young female doctor entered the cubicle and drew the curtains. She gently palpated his stomach and asked a few pertinent questions,

“So... I’m going to have to massage your balls,” she quipped merrily, “Just to make sure you don’t have strangulated testicles.”

Okay… those weren’t her exact words... I’m not a doctor... but that was the gist of it.

I swiftly gathered my bag and went to make my escape. “Stay!” croaked Scotto, blind panic glinting in his eyes.

AWWWWKWARD! Sitting in an enclosed space whilst a strange woman played with my husband’s knackers. I can tell you... I didn’t know where to look. Should I watch or just stare at the wall and hum to myself? I thought.

She disappeared and about ten minutes later a tall, much more officious looking doctor wandered in with a clipboard.

He also immediately requested permission to manipulate Scotto’s nether nuts and the look of sheer terror in my husband’s face mandated my loyal and neutral presence. More staring at the wall and rocking quietly.
How you can diagnose appendicitis by squeezing someone’s coconuts I’ll never understand… but then I don’t have a medical degree.
Anyway, it seems Scotto has pleurisy as a complication of his bronchitis which explains the chest pain. 

I wonder if the doctors needed to grasp his goolies to work that one out?

And if you are wondering why he is still wearing the sticky node patches on his chest??? He's too scared to rip them off because they're stuck to his chest hair!