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Saturday, April 9, 2016

Horrible Fairy Tales

H is for my review of The Huntsman and Snow White.

I know it’s called Snow White and the Huntsman, but I’m doing the H thing and apart from hummus dip, hives and hot flushes with bonus strategies on how to pretend you aren’t having one in a job interview, I couldn’t think of anything else to write about that starts with an H.

I’ve always loved fairy tales. As a child, Bluebeard was my favourite. Wikipedia describes it as, “The story of a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives and the attempts of one wife to avoid the fate of her predecessors.” A tad understated, I feel.

There’s quite a lot of blood and torture, the discovering of putrid corpses by a terrified young bride and the stuff you’d see on the telly after nine o’clock, but God, at seven years of age, I loved it.

Snow White, with its theme of malevolent matricide and attempted filicide, is much tamer.

But I have three problems with this movie version of Snow White.

Firstly, what was Greg Norman doing in the movie?

Secondly, does Kristen Stewart ever close her mouth to breathe?

Thirdly, why didn’t we get to see the dwarf’s’ house?

(Did you know you should never write “dwarves” because it’s not correct even though if a word ends in an “f” you should change the ‘f’ to a ‘v’ and add ‘es’. But even so, you still shouldn’t do it with the word ‘dwarf’ because it’s disrespectful to dwarves.)

In fact, I don’t think it’s even acceptable to say the word, ‘dwarf’ unless you’re referring to a planet, a tree or a rare breed of rabbit.

You can’t say bloody anything these days.

I kept expecting the wicked queen’s brother, Greg Norman, to whip out a golf club and bash Snow White in the head to prevent her from carrying on with her aggravating mouth breathing habit. Mouth breathing is a particular area of irritation to me.

I don’t know which Hemsworth brother it was in the movie because they look alike but he was okay except for having a weird hybrid accent and for being a bit ligneous (fancy word for wooden).

At the end of the movie, everyone turned to glass and was smashed to pieces, which is very unoriginal if you’ve ever seen the movie, Stardust, or any G-rated movie where they don’t want to show blood, actually.

I really wanted to see the dwarfs’ house with all their small doorways, tiny beds and miniature teacups, but no such luck. In fact I recognised quite a few of the ‘dwarfs’ and they were full statured actors who’d been shrunk with CGI and that’s surely got to be against the dwarfs’ union.

I’d give the movie a 5 out of 10… mainly because of the dwarf issues I suppose.

More movie reviews will be coming to you NEVER. I’m terrible at them aren’t I?