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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A Letter to my Deputy Principal

A couple of weeks ago my Deputy Principal walked past me in the staffroom, punched me in the arm and groused under her breath, “Read your blog, Pinky!

Oh crap! I thought scanning my brain in panic as to which particular rubbish I’d written about the night before.

Oh, that’s right… it was the post about playground duty... 

I didn’t think particular duties were so critical in the well-being of teachers!” she commented drily.

Yesterday a survey arrived via email from the Deputy, requesting that we teachers submit a form nominating which duties we find more palatable e.g.; after school, before school, first break, second break etc.

Who’d have dreamt in a million years that the largely ignored and pooh-poohed Pinky, could have so much influence over the boss? So… if you are reading this post tonight oh 'Mistress Yoda', I’ve a few other things you may like to look into.

Dear Deputy Principal,
# If you could source rose petals for the staff toilet, peach-coloured tissues, and designer bath towels in peach too…(because they match my complexion) that would be well… just peachy!

# Could each classroom be equipped with bottled Evian, vanilla room spray and a dozen white roses please?

# If I happen to be late for work I’d like you to overlook it as ‘creative idiosyncrasy’.

# I request that before 8:00 am no one looks at me (especially the students), walks near me, or takes my picture.

# I would like all the doorknobs in the school disinfected and the air-conditioning filters cleaned daily.

# In staff meetings I would like a large bowl of M&Ms (but make sure you remove all of the brown ones).

# I’d like “Do Not Disturb !!!!!!!!!” signs to be put up on our classroom doors at 2:50pm every afternoon.

# A chauffeur to drive me home after happy hour in the staffroom on Friday afternoons per favore. The chauffeur must have strict instructions not to talk to me or stare at me in the rear vision mirror. (A police escort is optional)

# I’d like a special room assigned to me in which to store my wigs.

# I request that any ‘distinct’ smells be kept well away from me at all times…including those emanating from the boys’ toilet.

And finally…

# A supply of Moet Chandon champagne, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and some condoms in our pigeon holes every Monday morning sil vous plait (I’ll use the condoms as water bombs to throw at O’Reilly when he makes bad jokes in the staff room).

Have I gone too far this time????