Pinky's Book Link

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Secret Lives of Grandparents


Today a special assembly was held at school where we joyously celebrated the role of grandparents in our community. Hundreds of the students’ devoted grandparents turned up for the festivities (as well as three or four ambulances on standby in case something disagreeable occurred; for example someone breaking a hip or something). 

No they didn’t.

 I just made that up and I’ve a bit of gall to joke about it because it probably won’t be all that long before I’m a granny myself.

In order to decorate our massive shelter shed where the assembly was to be held, one of our crazy deputy principals came up with the unusual idea of assigning each teacher with the task of having their class create 'effigies' in the shape and style of grandparents.

When I think of effigies I think of sticking needles into voodoo dolls made of clothes pegs or straw representations of men being chucked into a bonfire and other such malevolent and pagan practices. There was none of that though. 

Our effigies were strung up on lengths of rope.

I must admit when first informed of this concept, the mental picture I formed in my head was on the macabre side. 

'What is the deputy thinking?' I thought. Has she finally done one too many after-school bus duties in the blistering sun and cracked it?

The end result however, was surprisingly colourful and novel.

What I found to be truly amusing though were two things; the different takes on how the old and wrinklies appear to the kids and how committed to the task each individual teacher had been.

Some teachers went all out and frankly their competitiveness is to be praised. What greater opportunity to display their artistic talent and leave the rest of us looking like we’d held the paintbrush between our toes? Bloody exhibitionists.

Body Building Grandma. 

Also visits the solarium way too often and drinks a lot of protein shakes.

Trendy Granddad. 

Belongs to the golf club, the wine and cheese club, the model train club and writes a lot of letters to the editor.

Bogan Grandad- wearing thongs.

Gives the grandkids Wet Willies, drinks beer, thinks Russell Crowe is a pansy and won't let anyone talk when the footy is on the telly.

Divorced Granddad

Has gone back to Uni to do an arts degree and hangs around with the young folk.
Recently began to grow his own vegetables. 

Glamorous Divorcee Grandma 

Uses Botox and fillers, goes to nightclubs and refuses to babysit the grandkids.
Fave movie, "Shirley Valentine".
Wants to meet a young Greek spunk.  

Fabulous! Granddad.

Fave movie, "The Birdcage"... uses jazz hands when excited.

Living in the Past Grandma

Doesn't leave the house without a full face of make-up and support hose stockings. Fave movie; "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" (loves Elizabeth Taylor).

Conservative Grandma

Off to Bingo followed by Morning Melodies.
Plays lawn bowls with the girls every Tuesday.

Daggy Granddad

Smells like mothballs and old farts.
Makes lame jokes at Christmas dinner too.

War Veteran Granddad.

(Note: only has one arm)
Stays on the back veranda listening to the wireless and never comes out to talk to anyone.

Grey Nomad Grandparents

I wouldn't be taking candy from these two. They look a bit too nice. I bet they drive an unmarked camper van.

Ex-Used Car Salesman Granddad

Takes his false teeth out and tries to bite you with them. Favourite joke... "Pull my finger".

Slutty Grandma! 

Mutton dressed as lamb (she even has a camel toe!)
Smokes outside the school gate, drinks rum and cokes and 
tells the grandkids to call her Debbie.

Freakin Scary Grandma!!!

Has four daughters-in-law and hates all of them. 
No-one visits her on account of her three Rottweilers.

This is what the 'gallows' looked like.

Two of them were so excited they lost their heads so we brought them into the staff room for a nice cup of tea.

And that was my day :)

PS: Guess which one belonged to Pinky's class?